"...If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out..."
(Avett Brothers)

I am starting a new job tomorrow.  I believe the last time I blogged, I was going out on two interviews.  Well, obviously one of them panned out, and it was the one that I was really interested in.  So, I am shifting gears a bit and doing academic advising full time, in a multiculturally focused 'advising community' in the liberal arts college at the U.  I am excited to be working in a structured environment that directly serves students (and will be doing it full time, rather than half-time).  I am excited about my new boss, Andrew, someone who actually came from the same office I am coming from, he also ran into issues with one of the VP's, so, I get a little kick out of that.  A little extra f-you to my former bosses.  He seems cool though, focused on providing leadership and management, pushing equity and diversity forward within the college and also being just honest and down to earth (plus, he swore during my interview, which I have to say is a little bad-ass).  Plus, he is a black man, and my best bosses have always been black men, I'm hoping he doesn't break my streak of luck with this demographic.

In some ways, I had to swallow my pride and look forward to this new position, because it is definitely a lateral move (only like $200-300 more per year), and I had wanted my now past position to be a stepping stone, which it wasn't.  It was hard to admit how much time I put into that office with no payoff.  It's hard not to be angry about it, but I am just trying to learn from it instead of dwelling.  This position is more of the job you take to get to the job you want.  But, that's okay.  I already have a training schedule for my first week, and will be taken out to lunch on my first day, and I feel that this bodes well.  Things were so disorganized and unprofessional in my old job, this feels like a good change of pace for me, even if it is more work!

I took the past week off to relax and get my head together.  I definitely got the relaxing in, I think I could have done more cleaning wise (I gave myself a goal of  cleaning out the spare room closet that has always been a mess), but I got a little tanner, read some books, watched some tv, went to the gym at least once.  So, it was good.  Jer has been gone as well to "GenCon", so it the past few days have been an intentional 'introvert reboot'.  So tonight, I finished cleaning up some things, smudged myself a little with sage, said a prayer to let go and move forward and gave some tobacco.  Now I'm eating pasta, watching the Real Housewifes of New Jersey and drinking box wine.  The good life, lol. 

7 pounds down, 93 to go!

Been working out for a few weeks now, not getting to the gym as much as I'd like, I'm still working up to going every day of the work week, this week I just missed thursday's workout.  I'm also easing my way into tracking everything on weight watchers, so its a work in progress.

One of my friends also started a biggest loser challenge online, and I joined her team so that will be another incentive to keep going to the gym and watch what I eat.

"Fitness to me isn't about a crunch or a push up, it's about taking your power back."
- Jillian Michaels

I am on week 2 of watching what I eat and working out (aiming for 4-5 days/week), and already, the exercise has helped me work through some blocks that I have been having mentally about work.  Part of it is getting back to being in my body, and getting out of my head.  Part of it is I think listening to music, uplifting, fun, sometimes introspective music.  The first workout that I did, I had a rock out moment with Michael Jackson's 'Man in the Mirror', it was therapeutic.  

And after one week of working out, I am being much more proactive about my job situation.  I am setting up meetings to have next week with the people who will hopefully help me make a move to the multicultural center, and in case that doesn't work, I am writing an email right now to my boss asking for more meaningful work, and will be providing her concrete ideas as to projects for the spring, and I will ask her to do the same.  If she is going to get rid of me, at least I will go down fighting and demanding the work that I am capable of.  I am meeting with Eric, who has also been made powerless by my boss, but nonetheless has great insights into working relationships, and could in some ways help to persuade my boss to move me over to the multicultural center.  Or at least work on projects with him that are meaningful and useful.  I am also going to talk with her about how insulting her method of assigning and rewarding work is for me.  I am trying to think of a better word, but I have a week to think about that.

I am also meeting with the asst. vp who oversees the multicultural center next week to discuss how my work in the american indian center is going, and how Jillian has not given up some of the responsibilities he wanted me to have, and just propose some changes, hopefully he appreciates my proactiveness on this, and I will be able to clue him in more on how crazy she is, without just walking in and trash talking her.

So, things are not great yet, but at least I feel more motivated to be proactive and make things better for myself, I'm tired of letting other people make me feel inadequate at work, I know that I am capable of more and I need to remember that and not listen to my boss and her petty bs.  Previous bosses have trusted me with millions of dollars, with developing student programs out of nothing, and running work teams on my own, just because my boss doesn't think I write letters the way she wants them, doesn't mean all that previous work goes away.  

So I'm taking my power back, and it feels good.

PS- I even won a facebook drawing today from my gym, a $35 gift card....see it pays to work out, lol.

As a follow up:

Other reasons why I am setting a weight loss goal for this year:

I don't want to be shaped like Pooh Bear any more (or at least be a smaller Pooh).

I need to get back into 'walking shape' for my trip with my Mom this April to Paris.

I want to feel good with Erica and I go on our 'Turning 30 Vacation'.  

 

"Fitness to me isn't about a crunch or a push up, it's about taking your power back."
- Jillian Michaels

Now that I've started putting my resolutions/issues/whatnot in LJ again, I have so much to write about and not enough time.

I have been thinking for awhile that I might set a somewhat outrageous weight loss goal for myself, and then I've been thinking about who to tell, and how to keep myself accountable.  I haven't decided on any of that really.  But I think I will say it here, and see how things go.  

I'd like to lose 100 pounds in the next year (around 2 lbs per week).  I think what is tripping me up is the number.  Both because it is an intimidating number, but also because I've gained like 60 pounds in the past 3 years, so this doesn't even get me close to a goal weight.  But it would get me close to a weight where I was comfortable and active, even though its a long way from not being obese.  I think that's the scariest part, how far I have gotten from healthy.  

I've also been thinking about something I read in Oprah's magazine (cheesy, I know) but she said something along the lines of 'you need to be willing to give yourself what you need to reach your goal'.  That kind of scares me too, it means I have to change things at home, taking more time for exercise, and less time for things I like to do (cook dinner at night, watch tv, hang out with Jeremy), and really focus on this new goal and ask myself and those around me to help me change.  As an only child, you'd think it would be easier, but it does seem scary.

So, I'm going to start by going to the gym and walking 30 minutes at a time (4 times a week is my goal for now), and doing some strength training, as well as tracking my food on weight watchers.  Part of me prefers the quick weight loss that comes with south beach, but I think its too much to change at once to give up pastas and stuff right now. 

"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of." 
~Michel de Montaigne

I think there are two things in my life right now that need to be improved, changed, or worked on, mainly, my weight/health and job.  In many ways the stress of my job in the past few years, including balancing grad school and work, has had a huge effect on my weight and health.  Even though I'm a year past grad school now, my job hasn't improved, and has instead gotten worse.

So this is where I bitch a little about the job situation, and hopefully find some steps to take now to deal better with issues at work, and also how to start moving into a new job.

Starting last fall (2010), I split my job duties between being the 'assistant to' to my boss, K, at 50% time and 50% of my time to work in the American Indian center (has another name), working with two other women.  One of them, J, is the person who recruited me to the University, 11 years ago.  The other person who works there, P, is an older lady who I have a connection to via her Mom, who was my Mom's babysitter back in Bemidji. 

My work with K can be summed up as unfocused and fairly insulting.  I have been asking for clearer direction in my work for about a year now, to no effect.  She basically wants me to keep up with her stupid little research projects and email requests, and is more concerned with me keeping track of these than the actual work product.  Why she hired me, a project manager and student affairs coordinator by trade, is now a mystery to me.  She is completely incapable of making decisions and sticking to goals and objectives.  She regularly insults her employees, not just me, by overriding their decisions and not trusting their professional opinions and work styles.  So, I am done with her, trying to get away as soon as possible.

My work in the American Indian center started off well, with some general goals for the year or overall responsibilities, and I think I have done pretty well with tracking my work and expanding upon the goals that were set forth in august.   The work isn't the problem, its the relationships.  I didn't realize it, but I walked straight into J and P's issues with each other.  I managed to piss off J pretty quickly, by being direct, professional and protective of my students ( I advise the native student center group, and J was rude to them via an email and I politely told her to be nice to them).  It is pretty obvious now that J has some mental and family issues going on, as well as major work jealousy issues, so she seems threatened all the time, and unwilling to learn from others and improve her programming.  This causes issues because I naturally try to always be improving and measuring student programming because I think I owe it to them, and to the University to put forth the best programming possible.  J on the other hand wants to do the same ineffective stuff, and be protective and secretive about it.

So, her boss is trying to hire me to the multicultural center (which the american indian center is a part of) full time, and is now trying to get her to take a medical leave to take care of her issues.  I really hope this happens soon.

This is basically where I am at, waiting for 'hot patrick' to hire me to the multicultural center somehow (while my boss, K is trying to stop him from doing any creative budgeting to help me make the move, ugh), and in the meantime I am keeping an eye out for other jobs at the University.  My goal is to work there until I am 30, or until I have 30k in my retirement account there (I think I turn 30 first).  

I have to write about this side job I am going to try and hustle myself into, as well as try to start narrowing down what kind of work in higher ed is really my passion, but will have to do that later, sleep calls to me.  :)

A deadline is negative inspiration.  Still, it's better than no inspiration at all.  ~Rita Mae Brown

I turned 29 last week.  Sort of an uneventful birthday, number-wise.  Now its just a countdown to 30.  So, I have this week off and have been relaxing and thinking about what I would like to do in the next year.  When I really think about it, I have a lot that I want to accomplish.  I have been in a rut lately, trying to just avoid/muddle through some aspects of my life right now, and I want to just be done with 'muddling'.  

I've decided that I definitely need a new job, I need to make some decisions about my career (and some side work that I hope to do), I need to get some work done on our house, Jeremy and I need to figure out some better plans for our finances and paying down debt, and I need to lose weight.  So, I think I'll be posting about these things before the week is up.

You know that your family drama is just too weird when it starts to involve chickens.

Back to work today. It's been nice not thinking about it for awhile. I also see some sort of mystery meeting on my calendar for tomorrow at 3:30. It better not be another surprise thing. That is one of my pet bridal peeves, having surprise events all the time. I can't look at a lunch or anything without being suspicious now. Ugh. But we do have two new people in the office so maybe that's it.

I am a married lady! :)

Off to Ashland/Bayfield for a quick mini vacation tomorrow, doing laundry and packing today. :)